We all love food…although arguably some of us show it more than others. And we all like being adventurous and trying out new menus, or tastes, and again, some more than others.
But sometimes, the chef or wanna-be-chief oversteps the mark, and here are my examples of what needs to be done to correct the errant ways of our chefs, our forefathers (and my Grandma).
- Red lettuce. What is the point? Did somebody out there say “mmmm….here is a really bitter tasting, root-weed. Bet that’ll taste great in salads”. Leave it out.
- Sesame seeds on a bun. Apart from sticking in your teeth, crumbling all over your keyboard or down the front of your shirt, what is the point? Keep your sesame seeds off my buns!
- Celery. It’s for rabbits. Leave it at that. It doesn’t go with anything so stop searching for that illusive purpose. Having said that, a fresh piece can be used as a back-scratcher with relative ease.
- Eggs and crouton on a salad. Eggs go with bacon, croutons go with soup. Simple.
- Brussel sprouts. Even the Belgians don’t have them on Christmas day. Great Marketing idea though. Let’s take a vegetable that nobody likes, put thousands of them in a green, net bag, build an association with Christmas and then sell these things to everybody at a premium. Bring back cabbage!
- Red cabbage. I am perfectly happy with green. I don’t need a choice of colour. It’s not like there’s a cabbage shop that we all rush to when hearing that that the latest batch of pink, polka dot cabbage has arrived.
- Asparagus. Love it but could the same people who invented red lettuce spend their time more constructively growing asparagus that doesn’t have that after-smell once digested?
- Vegetarian sausages. The name “sausage” was created to describe the left-over bits of a dead animal that ended up being stuffed in a semi-edible sack. It’s meat. It’s dead animal. Get your own name for your green lentil and polenta mix. How about “Vegetarian green lentils and polenta mashed together in a tube-like shape without a semi edible sackTM”? Rolls off the tongue.
- Alcohol-free beer. Don’t start me on this. Drink Coke.
- Diet Coke. See alcohol-free beer. What is the point of putting a sugary carbonated drink in a bottle only to then take the sugar out? Drink something that nobody put sugar in to begin with.
My next big venture will be to open a restaurant. I like the name “The Grumpy Vegetable” frankly.
Kevin Bertie – Director